Smile Sis, life is just waiting on you

 

When you get a divorce, you worry. How am I going to pay bills? How am I going to repair the van? What will people at church think and how are they going to act? Do I care? Then you focus on how you failed. The day before I filed these were my thoughts. However, on the day I filed I realized that women like me have a whole different reality – we are alone. We have no close friends. There will be no one deciding whose friend they will be, mine or his. There’s no shoulder for my tears. I needed contact with people I knew wouldn’t judge me, so I text my brothers and called my sister. She encouraged me that I was doing the right thing; that this will give me a chance to be happy, but I couldn’t touch her. I needed to look in her eyes. I sat in my car searching my brain for one person to share my sense of loss. I wanted someone to hug. Someone to listen. What do I mean by women like me? I spent 29 years married to a man who was abusive, mentally and for a while physically. For reasons not to be discussed here, he wasn’t able to make and keep friends. When I had a friend visit he was in the middle of everything: our conversations, projects, or he pouted about being ignored. I learned to have my friends over when he was working, but when I went to work that was no longer an option. Over time, my friends dwindled away. As I drove to work feelings and thoughts rushed into my head. Are you crazy? There’s no future for you! Is this better than staying? Is this my life now? For months I prayed, planned, debated, and agonized. I dreamt of the sense of relief that would come on this day – but instead, I felt isolated and overwhelmed. After work I attended group, watched a movie with my children, trying to adjust to what I was sure to become the new normal. As I crawled into bed, my phone lite up. It was a text from my brother, Matt, saying “Smile, Sis. Life is just waiting on you.” Then I realized I needed to find my life, instead of waiting for it to find me, I needed to find……’me’.

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6 thoughts on “Smile Sis, life is just waiting on you

  1. During the last year of a bad marriage, friends dwindle. People can sense tension or maybe the partners seek other friends. It’s not unusual to feel alone. Family, if you are lucky, is always there. Some old friends will come around again and you will find new ones. Good luck.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Teri, I think concentrating on your children will being you friends. I would take my kids to parks and if someone seemed friendly, asked for their phone #. Sounds funny, but I moved halfway from my parents in Cleveland and me ex in Cincinnati, made friends like this, until they included me in picnics or had makeup, cooking, jewelry or other parties. I could only afford small purchases. Not sure if this helps but my home I chose with a 1, 3 and 5 year old now is an apt in the same town with a 36, 34 and nearly 31 year old. I have grandchildren who live in the town I knew No one in! Hugs, Robin

    Liked by 2 people

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