The other day when in an innocent conversation a relative made a comment describing my decorating style as she chatted I thought “that’s all wrong”. It was like the person in front of me was a perfect stranger. A woman I love someone and spend a great amount of time.
On Christmas morning my son told his sister that blue was mom’s favorite color. My favorite color is red, dad’s is blue.
How can people who know you; actually not know you? Well, it’s easy, when all I reveal to them is what will keep the peace, guarding anything that may cause anxiety for my spouse. I do this particularly with the people I love, constantly seeking to project the image of happiness. When you’re with an individual that gets upset whenever you choose something he doesn’t like the result will be dramatic or physical. He will carry on using criticism, badgering, pouting, or passive-aggressive behavior. Finally, you just do whatever it takes to have peace. Over time, you learn to adjust your choices to match what will keep him from losing it.
An example: I absolutely hate pizza, especially Hawaiian pizza. Why? Because when asked “where do ‘you’ want to go for dinner?” I would suggest a restaurant only to have that choice followed by 20 minutes of badgering until we ended up going where he wanted, usually pizza. After arriving at the pizzeria, he would order his favorite pizza, Hawaiian, if I suggested another flavor the harassment would begin until I caved. After years of this, I learned to just choose Hawaiian pizza. So people around me believe I like Hawaiian pizza.
As I forge forward with my old relationships as a divorced woman, I’ve noticed this pattern occurring in everything from food to my religious beliefs.
I find it difficult to reveal my true self to others when I do I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. This has been an issue since childhood. This needs correcting. I want honest and true friendships. O.K. now I understand what needs fixed, now how to go about it?
Teri again 
I have never eaten Hawaiin pizza again since my divorce (same scenario). I was married 17 years before I had to start again, and discovering who I was and what I liked/ needed was difficult. Sounds like this is time for you to celebrate you – all the best. May 2017 be a year of revelation!
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Thank you. I believe it will be.😏
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You start by being yourself on the blog until you build up some confidence and know for sure who you are. I can tell you from experience that works! 😀
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That’s a good start. I was thinking of also trying some one-on-one dinners with my children and Friends. Thank you for your advice.
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Yep, as long as you make a vow to yourself to be honestly who you are. I’ve found that’s the hard part. It’s easy to fall back into old patterns.
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Great point. Thanks
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For my part, still in the middle of the unraveling, I find that being myself with the friends who know me best is the action that gives me the courage to let it spill over into the rest of real life. I have the luxury of living far from any family so I am not faced with their memories of me very often. I admit, when they speak and I realize how little they know me, I crumble from the inside out.
It’s most difficult with the kids, but I’ve stopped buffering them from my spouse and told him, you make your own relationship with them. It’s rocky.
You’re writing hits me so personally, it’s a struggle to comment. Keep up the good work, Teri! You are touching people you aren’t even aware of.
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Thank you
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That’s a good plan. I also have stopped buffering my children from their dad. He pretty much took that option out of my hands.
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I’m surprised how much I was doing, without even knowing it. It’s been eye opening.
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If it’s not absolutely perfect, everything else is complete shit. No acknowledgment of anything worthy of complement, due to the minor irritant that is impossible to forgive or recognize as a personal preference. Thank you, terri again
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I’m in the same boat, trying to figure this out. Not in a relationship, but trying to avoid one with someone was pretty lousy…it’s like any time I did something he liked after objecting, you’d see that triumphant gleam in his eye, like “ha, i got her to do it anyway.” At work he’d drop off gifts, mostly crap I wouldn’t want anyway or already had. I objected and didn’t want them, but realized that just taking it would let me move on with my work day, because I wanted him the hell out of there. I gave most of it away after opening the box. It pissed me off and now I look at all gifts with suspicion.
I babble as a defensive mechanism when I’m uncertain, anxious, uncomfortable. I tell far too much about myself all the time, but anybody who knows me very well realizes half of what I say is b.s. and hides the real me. It takes work getting to be your own person. I am all for that, and just remind yourself that your needs and preferences are worthy, and you’re not selfish. It takes time getting used to. Hugs, and be the best you you can be!
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Thank you for sharing. I relate to it. Thanks
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